Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is Theeere!
by KnifeoftheMoon
Summary: State Farm employees use their wonderful teleportation abilities to save fictional characters-as long as they're insured. -SPOILERS. (duh.) -I WILL take requests. (Currently holding characters from Percy Jackson, The Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and Avatar: The Last Airbender)
1. Finnick

The huge white lizards surrounded him, though he was doing his best to fight them off.

"FINNICK!" Katniss shouted, just as an idea slipped into her mind. "... _Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there_!"

A man in a red shirt appeared. "You're covered, Katn-"

She cut him off by gesturing wildly at her trident-wielding companion, who was losing the fight.

"Oh," said the man. He ran to Finnick. With another quick jingle, they both teleported to safety.

"Whew," said Katniss as she threw the Nightlock bomb at the lizard abominations. "To think what would have happened if I didn't have insurance."


	2. Bianca

"Give this to Nico for me," Bianca said, handing Percy the Mythomagic figurine. Looking closely, he noticed that it was Hades, lord of the Underworld. Huh...

Then what Bianca said hit him. "Wait, why can't _you_ give it to him?"

She drew her sword and nodded towards the approaching metal giant. "This is my battle, and..."

"What?"

She bit her lip, then turned and ran the other way.

"Bianca! Bianca, _wait_!" Hold on a second. " _Like a good neighbor, State Farm is theeeeere_!" Percy shouted into the air. Instantly, a guy in a red shirt and khakis appeared. His name tag read 'Phil'.

"Um, does my insurance cover metal giants?"

"What, why?" Phil asked, then turned, noticing the huge contraption. "Oh," he said nonchalantly. "You know, I think so."

"Then do you mind...?"

"Sure." Phil caught up with Bianca, then proceeded to teleport the entire group to safety.

As Percy thought about the mission ahead, he sincerely hoped that he was covered for Titans.


	3. Rue

"Can you sing for me?" Rue asked softly. Katniss bit her lip and nodded, trying to keep her emotions under control. Suddenly, she remembered something Haymitch had told her.

" _Like a good neighbor, State Farm is thereeeeee_!" she sang.

Rue stared at her. "What kind of song is _that_?"

A man in a red shirt appeared and glanced at Rue. "You're covered, Katniss."

"Good," said Katniss. "Then can you get her out of here and to a hospital?"

The man nodded and prepared to teleport away.

"AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU TRICK THE CAMERAS INTO THINKING SHE DIED SO THAT SNOW WON'T KILL ME."

"Yeah, okay," the man said, then disappeared with Rue.

"This might come in handy in the future," Katniss mused.


	4. Thorin

Bilbo knew that Thorin wouldn't win this fight. The Pale Orc was too strong, his allies too many.

"Wait a minute..." he murmured, remembering an ancient incantation that could summon an aide. _"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is thereeeee_!"

A human clad in scarlet appeared in front of him. "You're covered, Bilbo."

"Yes, thank you, but would you mind..?"

The human noticed the battle going on. "Oh, right. Uh... count to ten and say the jingle again," he said, and vanished.

Bilbo guessed that 'jingle' meant 'incantation'. ...somehow. He counted, and then sang again.

The human reappeared, this time accompanied by a strange metal box with wheels. The box fell on Azog, crushing the orc.

A door on the box opened, and the human stepped out, smiling at Bilbo. "Brought my car!"

Huh. Even better than the Eagles.


	5. Augustus

Hazel Grace hugged Augustus. She felt so helpless. There was no way for her to stop the cancer that was killing him. All she could do was hope for a miracle. Or...

" _Like a good neighbor, State Farm is thereeeeee_!" she sang under her breath. Gus gave her a quizzical look as a man in a red shirt with a name tag reading 'Steve' appeared.

"Uhh..." Steve said, looking at the young couple. "I don't really know. I mean, I love you guys, but we usually just do teleporting and stuff."

"So you can't help him?" Hazel asked.

"I'm afraid not," Steve said, semi-nervously.

Suddenly, a hoard of John Green fans burst through a vortex, screaming at Steve for being a jerk and asking how dare he ruin their ship.

Steve wasn't afraid not now, he was just afraid. "I'll think of something!" he said quickly. "Uhhhh, how about I... Find a planet that has a cure for osteosarcoma and teleport him there?"

Appeased, the fans went back through the vortex. Steve let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay you two, let's go. While we're at it, we'll find a cure for Hazel too. I do _not_ want those fans coming back."


	6. Fred

Fred was gone. It was almost ironic, Harry thought bitterly. Fred still had a touch of happiness on his face, even as those around him broke down with grief.

"Wait!"

A voice rang out, echoing across the now-damaged hall. Harry turned to see a blond, disheveled man running towards them.

"Wait!" the man shouted again.

"Pr-professor _Lockheart_?" Hermione said in disbelief. "What are you doing here?"

"Never mind that," Lockheart said. "I just so happen to know of a spell that may be able to help your friend over there. It doesn't even require a wand."

"Didn't we erase your memories?" Ron asked, seeming to forget his circumstance for a second.

"Did you?"

"Uh, of course we didn't."

Lockheart's brow furrowed. "Hmm. But now that you mention it, I do remember-"

"Can we get back to Fred?" Harry cut in.

"Oh yes." Lockheart cleared his throat dramatically. " _Like a good neighbour,_ _State Farm is theeeere_!"

"That's a spell?" Hermione said skeptically, even as a man in a red shirt appeared and glanced around.

"Ancient magical castle damage?" the man said. "You're covered, Gilderoy."

"No, no," Lockheart said. "My problem is the, um... deceased..."

"Oh!" said the man in red. "Well, uh... Let's see. This is the Harry Potter Universe, correct?"

Harry had a universe?

"That is indeed correct."

"So just use the Resurrection stone."

"That's kind of a bad idea, mate. Very likely to backfire."

"Uhh..." The man in the red shirt, whose name was Phil, stole the POV from Harry so he could get in some thoughts. Phil had heard of a fellow State Farm agent who had been in a similar predicament recently. He knew he couldn't bring Fred back without disrupting the balance of this universe, but he also couldn't risk having the *shudder* _fans_ come after him.

"You know what? How about I teleport Fred to a universe where he'll be able to resurrect, then bring him back here?"

"Sounds great," said Lockheart.

"Good luck," said Harry. "And give me back my POV."

Harry watched as the man in red teleported away, taking Fred with him. This was a useful spell after all.


	7. Jet

Smellerbee held her fallen friend's head, hope for his survival quickly leaving her as she realized the extent of his injuries. She held back tears, knowing she should be strong for the boy who had once lead the Freedom Fighters. Jet tried to give her and Longshot a brave smile.

"You guys go," she told the Avatar and his friends. "We'll take care of Jet."

"I'll be fine," Jet said, trying to reassure them.

"He's lying," the Earthbender girl, Toph said under her breath as she left, probably not intending for Smellerbee to hear. But she did, and the feeling of dread worsened. It wasn't Jet's fault that this had happened. She knew that. The Dai Li had been controlling him, and now...

She felt Longshot's hand on her shoulder, and she looked back at him. He gave her a stern look, and instantly she knew what he was thinking.

"Are you sure, Longshot? They might not be happy with all the damage we caused in that Fire Nation colony..."

Still, the look in her friend's eyes persisted, and she knew that they should at least try. For Jet.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!" she called out, her voice echoing in the underground chamber. Almost instantaneously, a man in a bright red shirt appeared, wearing a name tag that read 'Richard'.

Richard frowned slightly as he looked around. "Sorry guys, I don't think we cover coups."

"Not that!" Smellerbee said, gesturing frantically at Jet, who looked mildly confused.

"Oh. Ohhhh!" said Richard. "Well, that's a tad easier, I guess. We'll just get a waterbender, and-"

"No," Smellerbee cut him off. "We just had a Waterbender here, and she couldn't do anything for him."

Richard now looked nervous. "I see. Well, uh, I'm not sure. That would require a disruption of the universe, and according to the guys back at the office, that's been happening a bit too much to be within protocol..." his voice trailed off as he noticed the two Freedom Fighters glaring at them. Richard swallowed hard. "I-I mean, of course we can make an exception. But according to my research, Jet is a relatively minor character, and not nearly as popular as-"

Richard was cut off as Smellerbee slammed him into a wall.

"Are you saying your decision to help my friend is based on how _popular_ he is?!" she shouted, holding Richard by the collar. Behind her, Longshot gave him a stony look.

"Of course not! But we tend to make tough calls based on how crazed the fans are-"

"Oh no," Smellerbee said, releasing him. "You shouldn't be worrying about fans. You should be worrying about how crazed _I'll_ get if you leave without fixing Jet!" she moved her hand to her weapon threateningly.

Richard gulped. "Point made." Taking Jet to some inter-dimensional miracle worker was a fantastic idea-provided it got him away from this bloodthirsty chick. He quickly teleporrted away, taking the wounded boy with him.

Smellerbee watched him go with satisfaction. Behind her, Longshot gave an approving look.


	8. Joffrey

Olenna Tyrell watched with satisfaction as King Joffrey, the brutish little brat, began to choke. The poison was taking affect rather quickly. She smiled to herself. The silly little beast should have served a more wholesome existence if he'd wished to live a long life.

The Tyrell elder glanced around to be sure that no one was watching her before she murmured the ancient incantation.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is thereeee," she sang under her breath. A youthful man clad in a scarlet tunic appeared before her, bearing a nametag that read 'Steve'.

Steve looked around in confusion, quickly realizing that he was in the Game of Thrones universe. Knowing its reputation, he elected to finish this call as quickly as possible in hopes that he'd avoid meeting a grisly death. But that would be hard when he wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to be doing.

"Hey there, Olenna," he said with a little wave to the older woman. "I'm... uh... what did you call me for?"

Olenna gave him a bemused smile. "Why, for my Ill-fated grandson-in-law," she said, gesturing to the purple-faced king.

Steve looked at the spectacle, then back at Olenna in bewilderment. "You want me to save _Joffrey_?" Ohhhh no. Even though Olenna was covered, this was one character _no one_ wanted brought back.

"Ah, I believe you've misread the situation, my dear Stephen," Olenna said, gently turning him so that he was facing the dying Joffrey.

"Uh... Misread it?" Steve said in confusion.

"I invited you here as a treat, you see. Not to save the brat. But to watch him die," she said with a cool grin.

Not knowing what else to say, Steve simply nodded in satisfaction.


End file.
